I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
