so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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