How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He better not be in your backpack
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Randomize
