If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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