hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
