Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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