If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
