last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize