well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
