Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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