Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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