im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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