Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
