He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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