It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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