I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
