It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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