I feel great
I just peed on a car
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
