is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
