i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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