i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
