Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
