So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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