Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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