I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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