Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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