Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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