Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
