I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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