Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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