What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I smell like Dick and happiness
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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