So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
