the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
