You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
