I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
