She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize