they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize