fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
