I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
