So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
