I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
