the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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