I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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