I could make wine with my vomit
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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