You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
