I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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