my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
