its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I think my vagina is haunted
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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