Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
