Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
