So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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