that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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