I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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