Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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