On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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