I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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