It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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