I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
