I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
