My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
