Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize