Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize