i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize