This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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