four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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