3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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