Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
